Birthdays

I just had my 27th Birthday yesterday. And realized I havent blogged in awhile again. I had said I was going to keep it up but then never did. I never completely quit smoking. I still know I should but I made it 1 1/2 weeks when I got fired from my job on January 19th. Spent about 2 weeks feeling really sorry about myself. Then decided I had to do something. I liked that job in the begining but then it became hellish and very stressful for me and my girls. So it was a blessing in disguise. I have been job searching but havent heard back from anything. It really sucks. I am getting unemployment so that helps. Hoping I have a Great lead for one on Monday. Working in the hospitals daycare as a teacher. It pays well and has benefits. Fingers and toes are so CROSSED!

I moved on December 31st 2010 to a much better place for a better price! Its so much bigger and better. Then landlady is awesome and actually fixes stuff when I report it unlike the slumlord I had before. Who has been threatening me with a bunch of different stuff since I left there 2 months ago. I should have reported him for the crappy house but since he was leniant when it came to rent I didnt but now I am hating that I didnt do it. Oh well cant go back. Was thinking of changing my cell number but I like my number and have had it for almost 2 years and I really dont want to change it.

After we moved I put Kassidi back into kindergarten. Homeschooling was getting really hard for me to keep up with and with her tantrums I wanted to pull my hair out. It was rough the first couple weeks and she was behind but shes slowly gotten used to it and is catching up real quick. She sure is a firecracker. We were seeing a counselor for awhile but once I got fired from that job and was around more and less stressed shes been doing so much better. It had got to the point I was considering putting her on mood stabilizer glad I waited. We will go back to counseling when i get a job and if she starts acting up again. Hoping she wont.

So after almost 2 years of Karlees dad not seeing her I contacted him last month and arranged for him to have her on the weekends. Every thursday I have been texting him setting up times for him to have her. This has been going on 2 months. So the last 2 weekends I didnt contact him and I never heard from him. Heartbreaking to me because I really wish he cared about her. I feel at times he does but when he doesnt ask about her or when he can have her. Sucks. Especially now that she calls him her daddy.

Had to explain to Kassidi about her biological dad. I explained that some men dont have it in them to be a great father and some of them dont care for their kids. I told her it didnt matter what he thought cause she had me and i love her enough for 2 people. She seemed to take the explanation good enough and I still stick to my guts that I will never tell her who he was. He is not important.

We went on vacation a week ago to San Diego and saw some friends! It did me so much good seeing them. My friends Mike and Wendy had their 4th boy while I was there. And it was great all our kids playing with each other. We also went to Legoland and Seaworld.

I have been going on dates for a year now with Sam. I have no clue how he puts up with me because it'll be great for awhile then he gets needy and i push him away. I care for him and really enjoy his company but I am so indepenant now. I was talking to my friends Mikie and Wendy and they said i was like a complete different person cause when i lived in San Diego all I was about was finding a guy and dating him and trying to make it forever and now I have someone who'd like it to be more and I dont let it. Amazing how we grow. I didnt realize how different I have become. I really want to give Sam more of a chance and I plan on doing it and following through but then never do. Maybe someday I will. I just cant figure out why he is still waiting around for such a complex person like me!

Tomorrow I start a diet. I hit 200 lbs and cant stand to see myself naked. Really doesnt help that the bathroom has mirrors galore so i step out of shower and look at my self and am totally disgusted! So I am starting the HCG Diet drops. Supposed to lose about 1 lb a day. So that would be good. for my height I should be between 115 and 125! not gonna happen, after looking at my pre Kassidi pics I looked horrible skinny and unhealthy at 119. So I am aiming for 145.

My mom has been surprising me alot lately telling me how much she loves me all the time. I love it! I had a one great lady raising me. And I hope I do as well with Kassidi and Karlee that she did with me.

Hopefully I'll remember to come update this more often. I love typing out my thoughts and need to do it more often.

My job

So I love my job I love helping my customers. Only problem is I cant sell worth a damn. And have been talked about it by my supervisor more than once. December I have to sale like crazy and hit goal or else I might lose my job.

So I decided to look at job openings around town. There is nothing that I am qualified for! NOTHING! I am beginning to think the business degree was a wash. So I started looking into careers and how much they are paid. I thought about what I think I can do and what I would enjoy to do. I think I might start school again for Behavior Health/Chemical Dependency. Still thinking about it.

But for now I am going to work my hardest to SALE SALE SALE!

The Quit Did Not Happen

I didnt make it today. I made it 2 1/2 hours today but after dropping my girls off at day care I panicked and asked myself what am I going to do if I dont have smokes handy. So I bought a pack. When I got home I been smokin all day.

I went to the quitnet.com website tonite and got on a chat and the people I met on their inspired me to Quit tomorrow. This time I think i am ready. I am going to carry the gum with me to drop the girls off.

Tonite I dumped out the ashtray. I put my lighters away. I placed my gum on my work desk.

I am going to Quit. It is the right thing to do.

Quitting Smoking

I decided awhile back that it was time for me to quit smoking and that is why I have come back to my blog to write. I need a place to vent all my anxiety about quitting. Right now I get mad or upset i smoke. I get done eating I smoke. I smoke in my office while I work. After this last ear infection and upper respiratory infection my 2 year old got I really made the decision to quit. I could be the reason she gets sick. i feel like I am the reason because of my smoking. I signed up through work for a quit program that sent me nicotine gum and has a website called quitnet.com There is support there with people who just quit who have been quit for a short time and very long times.

This is officially the first time I have decided to quit just to quit. I quit when I went to boot camp I quit during both my pregnancies I can QUIT NOW!

I'm very anxious about it. And scared how I am going to be without smoking. I dont know what I am going to do with my hands or what I am going to do when i get the urge to smoke. I am scared I am going to gain weight because I will eat more just to quench my want for a smoke. Every nite I am going to get on here and vent my frustrations as I quit. I hear from folks at quitnet.com that they feel different as the days go on so I am going to post if I feel those differences.

Tomorrow is my Quit Day Well I guess tonite is I have one more cigarette to smoke and am resisting going to the store right now to get a pack of smokes just for a safety net. I keep telling myself I dont need the safety net, I DO NOT NEED IT. And hope I will make it.

Be back tomorrow nite.

Life

I completely forgot that I had a blog. I started to make a new one but as soon as I realized I had one decided to come back here. I have been at my new job at Frontier Communications since June 7. I work from home and answer phones I'm called a conversational expert. Customer service is supposed to be number one but so far I feel like sales are number one. I'm not really to great at it yet But I'm trying my hardest to succeed because I have too. I would never find a better job than what I have now. The pay and benefits are great and no other job would pay as much for my to support my girls now that I'm done with college. I didnt graduate yet. I have exactly one class to finish. But since the VA didnt pay for one of my classes last semester I owe the college money. I plan on paying them with my taxes so I can enroll in a class because after 4 years trying to get one associate degree I have to finish.

Been a long time.

I havent written on here in 8 months or so. There have been a lot of up and downs since then. I dont really know where to start.

My girls are doing so well Kassidi will be 6 in September and Karlee just turned 2 on June 27. Karlee birthday party is coming up this weekend. I cant believe 2 years have flown by on my already and that Kassidi is almost 6 years old and Kassidi starts KINDERGARTEN in August. My lil girl isnt so little any more. I'm gonna bawl like a baby the first day I drop her off at school!

In May I started looking for a new full time job now that my VA GI BILL is over with. I still have one more class to take to get my Business Associate I plan on taking it in January and Graduating next May I hope! But I was so blessed! I got a a job before I resigned from my WACOG head start! I got hired on at Froniter Communications as a Work At Home Call Representative. It has good pay and great benefits! I am still in training til end of August! But I took my first calls over a week ago and I loved it! It was really confusing at first but after awhile I got adjusted and as I remembered stuff It got easier and easier! Its so awesome to talk to people all over the US! Off the phones until July 20th and I was so dissapointed about it except now I am learning everything else so the next time I am on the phones I'll know everything I will need to know to do my job effiecntly. As soon as my training is over I will work from my house! So COOL! Girls will still go to day care and I will come and work! I get internet for a good price through the company which is why I am finally able to post on here!

My grandma passed in April after a long fight. I'm so glad shes not in pain anymore and now she is in heaven rocking with my aunt. I had such a hard time after my aunt Paula passed away the weight on my heart has slowly got better but the closer it gets to August I feel it pressing again. I know Paula and my grandma are better where they are now and they are not in pain anymore and for that I am glad. I just miss my best friend.

My parents had taken a trip overseas to see my step sister and her son. That didnt turn out well. And I just wonder what makes my step sister so evil to hate my parents so much and for her to not trust them. They never did anything to her. They were great parents. There are 3 more of us who can very this my 2 brothers and myself. We have all turned out fine and love our parents very much. But hopefully step sister will some day realize what she has missed and that our parents have always been there for her. It just sucks is because my nephew is in the middle of it and probably will never get to see his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins again.

To me tho. My life is great. I am loved by my family. I love my family. I have 2 great lil girls. I have a job I am enjoying. I have a place to live and to care for my girls. There are hardships but I will muck my way through them because that is who I am!

I feel so alone.

Life has been one big change after another. And the one person i want to talk to i cant. I miss my Aunt Paula so much. She was my total confident with my life as I was hers. We were more than just Aunt and neice we were best friends. I know shes gone but at times I really wish she was still here which is selfish of me because shes in a better place and in no more pain but with all 25 years of my life she has been there for me and now I dont know what to do without her. And I feel so ALONE.